Just Hold On
by LiveLoveLaughLife
Summary: Castle comes up with a plan to catch a serial killer, and Beckett has to pay the price when it backfires.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: My second Castle fic. This is written in Castle's point of view. It's the first time I've ever written anything first person so I hope it's okay. I was thinking about doing another chapter of this same story, except put it in Beckett's POV. If anyone would like to see that tell me in a review and I'll be glad to do it. I hope you like it and reviews are amazing (so please review!)! Thanks! :)

(oh, please keep in mind that I'm not a doctor and all that medical stuff is completely made up. So if it's incorrect...sorry)

Disclaimer: Castle doesn't belong to me.

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I couldn't believe it.

As I heard the shot and watched her take a few steps backwards and then crumple, falling to the ground, I still couldn't believe it. I wanted to run to her, to apologize, to beg her to be alive, but my legs seemed to be disconnected to my brain. I was frozen. I wouldn't have believed that I was still breathing if I couldn't hear my heart pounding in my ears.

The next things I hear are the sirens and shouts. This seems to snap me out of my brief shock and I began to run, feeling Esposito and Ryan close on my heels. Other police officers were arriving, and I heard shouts of "Someone call 911!"

I couldn't concentrate on anything. I knew that if she didn't make it out of this, it would be my fault. I was the one who had come up with the brilliant plan. I always acted before I thought about the consequences. But that was me. Kate knew about the consequences of what could happen if this went wrong. We had talked about it, all of us at the precinct. She said that she wasn't scared. She was a cop, she had to be brave. She risked her life everyday, so why was this time any different?

The murder was a creep who only went after women. We found out everything about him—we got in his head. But we still couldn't catch him. The little dirtbag would slip through our fingers every single time, and then go off to kill someone else. We had to do something. That's when I came up with my plan. Get a woman, beautiful and fearless, and use her as bait. It was sort of twisted but it was the only thing that I could see working. The others had agreed, and Kate had volunteered herself.

Everything was going smoothly. We, meaning Ryan, Esposito, and myself, had caught site of the killer following Beckett around. He had taken the bait, and we were nearly ready to spring into action and apprehend him when he turned the tables on us. The killer, who had been notorious for his torturous killings by stabbing his victims to death, pulled a gun out of his jacket, pulled the trigger, and took off running.

I finally made it to Beckett and dropped to my knees. Ryan and Esposito were beside me, but I didn't even notice. Kate had been shot in the chest, and her blood was seeping through her clothes. I looked into her eyes and saw that they were wide and full of fear. She was having trouble breathing, and began to cough up blood.

Where the hell were the paramedics at? She needed help, now!

"Hold on." I said, taking her ice-cold hand in mine. "Hold on Kate. You're going to be fine. Just hold on."

Her eyes focused on mine and for the first time since I had known her, I saw Kate Beckett completely terrified. Even when we were being shot at, chased, or whatever else in God's name that we had gotten into, I'd never seen her this terrified.

But she'd never been dying before, either.

The sirens of an ambulance began to blare and the next moment two paramedics were rushing towards us with a stretcher. I moved out of the way while they loaded Kate on and I followed them back to the ambulance.

"Can I go too? Please?" I asked one of the paramedics. He looked at me, and I was praying that he wasn't going to say no. If he did, I was prepared to beg, bribe, or do whatever the hell else it took. This was my fault. Plus, if I was in Kate's situation I would be scared to death to be stuck in an ambulance all alone thinking that I was going to die.

The paramedic seemed to consider, and finally he said, "Okay,"

I breathed a small sigh of relief and then followed him into the ambulance. I took a seat on the side and did my best to stay out of the way while they tried to save her.

"We're losing her!" The one who I had spoken to exclaimed. I began to panic.

"Beckett? Don't give up!" I exclaimed, grabbing her hand again. I watched her eyes fluttering as she fought to stay conscious. "Kate, they're going to save you. Just hold on until we get to the hospital okay? Just hold on."

I continued to talk to her the entire way to the hospital, doing my best to keep her conscious. If there was one thing about Kate Beckett, it was that she was a fighter. I'm pretty sure I would have given up hope long ago if I was the one in her position. She was amazing.

We finally made it to the emergency room. I stayed with them as long as I could. When they told me that I couldn't go any farther, I was led to a nearby waiting room by a petite nurse.

I was too nervous to sit, so I paced. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth again and again and again. The few other people that were sitting in there watched me with tired eyes. It was the middle of the night, after all.

What would I do if she died? No…no…I can't be thinking like that. Beckett would make it out of this, and then probably break every bone in my body for coming up with this stupid, _stupid_, idea in the first place.

I looked up as two people walked into the waiting area. Esposito and Ryan. We exchanged worried looks and then they each took a seat, and I continued my pacing. I'm really not sure how long I had paced back and forth in the confined space, but it must have been awhile since the faces of the people began to blend together with the colors of the wall.

An elder couple who had been there since I arrived each stood up and left the room. Ryan, Esposito, and I were the only ones left now. I vaguely wondered if Kate was still in surgery or not.

The weariness of the day finally began to catch up to me as the first beams of sunlight filtered through the one and only window in the waiting area. I sat down heavily in the nearest chair to me and leaned my head back against the wall. It had been a long night, and it was probably going to be an even longer day. I figured that I should call Alexis and my mother, but maybe waiting until a reasonable hour would be smarter.

The doctor walked into the room and I stood up suddenly, Esposito and Ryan only about a half-second behind. We knew this had to be Beckett's doctor.

"Are you all here for Miss Kate Beckett?" He asked, knowing the answer already. I wondered why he even bothered to ask. Maybe it was some kind of hospital procedure thing. Hm.

"How is she?"

"Is she okay?"

"Can we see her?"

I spoke at the same time that Esposito and Ryan did. All of us stared at the doctor as he took a deep breath and then blew it out. I felt fear stirring inside me as I stared into his grey eyes. This was a doctor who had seen it all, you could tell. He'd probably had to tell families that their loved ones were gone more than once.

Of all the times to think of something utterly stupid, I picked now. I began to wonder what it was like to be Kate Beckett. Her mother was dead, she was an only child, and I hadn't heard her talk about her father that much. I wonder if he even knew she had been shot. In a strange, disfunctional way, I realized that Esposito and Ryan were like family to Beckett. I hope that someday she can think of me as more than the "arrogant, annoying author".

"I'm glad to inform you that she's going to make a full recovery."

The breath that all three of us seemed to have been holding whooshed out and I suddenly felt giddy. Now that I knew Kate was going to be okay it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could almost bet that Ryan and Esposito felt the same way.

"She's going to have to stay here for a few days. The bullet punctured her lung and it collapsed. That was the worst of her injuries." The doctor explained. "She's been in the ICU for the last few hours and she just woke up. If you'd like to see her you can visit one at a time, but you can't stay any longer than ten minutes. She needs rest."

We all nodded and looked at each other, deciding who would go first. Esposito stepped forward.

The doctor nodded at him and turned, "I'll show you to her room."

Ryan and I both sat down as Esposito left with the doctor. I sighed and shut my eyes, letting a feeling of relief wash over me. That had been one of the worst experiences of my life.

"She's okay." Ryan stated. I could hear the relief in his voice, and imagine that it would sound the same in mine if I spoke.

"Thank God."

"You said it." Ryan grinned and I grinned right back at him.

A few minutes later and Esposito was back. His expression was unreadable as he gave us directions to her room. I told Ryan that he could go next. Esposito sat down beside me.

"How's she look?" I asked. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

"She's definitely been better." He said, glancing at me. "But at least she's alive."

I knew that Ryan and Esposito were incredibly protective over Beckett. Sure, they loved to tease and annoy her just like I did, but if something really bad happened, they'd be there for her. Just like I would.

Ryan came back sooner than I would have liked. I mean, yeah, I'm anxious to see Beckett and to make sure that she was completely fine, but I was also strangely nervous. I don't know…I guess it's the guilt. None of this would have happened if I hadn't suggested my plan.

I walked to her room and paused outside the door, thinking. Then I took a breath and entered.

The room was just like your typical hospital room. A small television was playing the morning news and there were a bunch of different machines surrounding the bed. And there was Kate, looking fragile and breakable lying there with an almost…annoyed?...expression on her face. I smiled.

"Hey, Beckett."

She turned to look at me and I saw the very faintest hint of a smile. "Castle." Her voice was quiet and tired.

I walked towards a chair that had been pulled up next to her bed, undoubtedly the same one that Esposito and Ryan had sat in. "Quite a night it's been…," I said, shaking my head slightly. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've been run over by a bus."

"Ah." I nodded, showing that I understood. I didn't know what else to say.

Beckett seemed to realize that too, because she saved me from the awkward silence by speaking.

"I really thought that it was the end there for a second." She coughed and grimaced. My hands twitched because I wanted to do something to help her, but I knew there was nothing. She continued quietly. "You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying?"

I nodded.

"It's true." She shut her eyes for a moment, but then reopened them. I felt like I should leave. She was clearly exhausted. "And you know what?"

"What?"

"My life sucks."

I looked at her, not quite sure if she was upset by this or what, and then I saw her smile. I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Kate Beckett, the hospital comedian."

"Mhm." She mumbled. She shut her eyes again and I smiled.

"Yeah well, Miss Hilarity, I suggest you get some rest." I stood up and hesitated, then I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "And get better soon. It's no fun solving cases without my muse."

She frowned and I figured that if she wasn't so tired she would have taken a swipe at me. "Don't call me your muse!"

I laughed and left the room.

She was still the same ol' Beckett.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is the same story as before, just written in Beckett's point of view. I hope you guys like it! And please, please, please review!!!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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I knew what was happening before it even happened. I couldn't see the killer from the way I was standing, but I knew by the stillness that suddenly filled the air. The gun went off and then my chest began to burn.

I didn't register that I had been shot right at first. The pain exploded in my chest and I felt like someone was trying to rip my lungs out. I staggered backwards and hit the ground.

Sirens began to blare and I heard screaming. I tried to turn my head, or get up, or anything but I couldn't move. I felt like my body was paralyzed. A sickening smell filled my nose and I realized that it was my blood. Oh God, I'm dying.

I had figured that when I finally went it would be from a gunshot wound. I really did. Being a cop was a very risky line of work. This plan, Castle's plan, was incredibly risky. But I volunteered myself for it. I couldn't have anyone else waltzing in here and possibly getting themselves killed. After all, this was my case. It was my investigation. If anyone was going to get hurt, it was going to be me.

Ironic how things work out, isn't it?

The edges of my vision began to go dark and I began to panic. Before I could completely start to freak out, I felt something beside me. It took a lot of work to focus my eyes on Richard Castle, who was kneeling beside me. I figured that my expression was mirrored in his—absolutely terrified. I'd never seen Castle look that worried before.

My vision began to swim and I began to panic again. My chest ached and I wanted to cry. I tried to take a breath to calm myself, but I ended up inhaling my own blood. It was disgusting. I started to cough, spitting up the blood, and I felt Castle take my hand in his.

"Hold on." He said. I could swear that I saw tears in his eyes. Did he really care about me that much? "Hold on Kate. You're going to be fine. Just hold on."

Terror washed through me once again as everything seemed to hit me. I was lying here, on a street corner, dying. I could barely breathe and my chest felt like it was on fire. I tried to focus on Castle to keep myself calm, but it wasn't working.

I was going to die here. I was only thirty-one, for God's sake. I wanted a family. I wanted to get married to some guy who loved me. I didn't want to die now. Not yet. There was so much that I still wanted to do.

I felt myself being loaded onto a stretcher and taken to the ambulance. Every little jostle made me want to scream out in pain, but I just didn't have the strength.

My vision began to go blurry. I could see bright lights and hear sirens that I figured were from the ambulance. It reminded me of the night I came home with my father to find out that my mother had been murdered. The cop car that had sat there in our driveway intimidated me and scared me. I knew before I even got out of the car that something horrible had happened. The police officer had explained it to us with a grim face, and I felt like it was some twisted joke.

I mean, it wasn't _fair_. My mother couldn't be dead…no! I had just seen her that morning. She had kissed me on the cheek and said "Have a good day at school, honey." And now they were telling me that she was dead? No!

After that my father got into the alcohol. He would try to hide it but I wasn't stupid. I wasn't some flighty teenage girl who got obsessed with the latest fashions and boy bands. That had never been me. I knew what my father was doing when he locked his bedroom door and didn't come out for the rest of the night. He thought he was hiding his drinking from me. But he wasn't. He had almost died once because he had drunk so much. I had come home to find him passed out on the floor. He would've died, too, if I had gotten home even five minutes later.

But then things had started looking up. I convinced him to go to the meetings, to get help, and he got sober again. He said that he did it for me. A few years had passed and I had started working at the precinct that I work at now. I had even gotten a boyfriend. Everything was good.

But of course a good thing doesn't last, does it? Or at least it doesn't last for me. My boyfriend cheated on me, so I ended it. Since then I've been extremely cautious when it comes to going on dates. That was probably the reason why I had only ever had one steady boyfriend.

And that's when _he_ had come into my life. Richard Castle, famous novelist. I must admit, I was pissed when I first found out that he would be following me around. Like some type of puppy. But then he actually started helping with the cases and I was forced to admit that we made a pretty good team. He even saved my life once.

"We're losing her!" A voice shouted.

"Beckett? Don't give up!" Castle's voice nearly begged.

I felt pressure on my hand again as I was brought back into the present. Wow, your life really does flash before your eyes when you're dying, doesn't it? I tried to keep my heavy eyes open as the darkness threatened to consume me. "Kate, they're going to save you. Just hold on until we get to the hospital okay? Just hold on."

I tried to focus on Castle, on his blue eyes. He looked as afraid as I felt. I bet he blamed himself for me getting shot. It was his plan after all. But it was a good plan. No one could have seen the killer's sudden change of tactic. It wasn't anyone's fault that I got shot.

Castle continued to try and get me to stay conscious the entire way to the hospital. There was no way to express how incredibly thankful I am that he was there. I mean, I doubt I could have stayed conscious if he wasn't there talking to me. I focused on his voice, praying that we would arrive at the hospital soon.

After what seemed like forever we arrived, and I was rushed into surgery. Castle wasn't allowed to come with me, and my hand felt cold now that his warm one wasn't wrapped around it.

A doctor appeared and started talking to the paramedics, using all these technical terms that I didn't understand. The next thing I knew, there was an oxygen mask on my face and everything was going dark. I couldn't keep myself conscious anymore. The darkness began to press down on me, smother me, and within moments it swallowed me completely.

The first thing that registered in my groggy mind was that my body hurt. Every single inch of it was aching like crazy. It was probably the equivalent of what being run over by a bus would feel like. It took me a few moments and a few tries to open my eyes. It felt like each of my eyelids weighed a hundred pounds.

I didn't really remember what had happened until I realized that I was lying in a hospital bed, in a hospital. Then everything seemed to flood my mind in a rush. I remembered the plan to catch the killer, and I remember getting shot and being taken to the hospital. After that everything was a blur.

Nearly ten minutes after I had woken up, the door to my room opened and a doctor came in. He smiled at me and I attempted to smile back, even though I definitely didn't feel like it.

"Hello, Miss Beckett." He said. He grabbed a chart from the bottom of my bed and his eyes scanned over it. Then he looked back up at me. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better." I said. My voice was quiet and raspy. I cleared my throat and tried to speak again. "How long do I have to stay here?"

The doctor smiled at me. "The rest of the week, at least. After that we'll monitor you to see how you're doing." He paused, and then continued. "The bullet punctured your lung, and it collapsed. That was our main worry. But I'm pleased to tell you that you're going to make a full recovery."

Thank God. I wasn't going to die.

The doctor saw the relief on my face and then he continued. "There are a few people here that are waiting to see you. Are you up to visitors?"

"Yes." I said. Actually, I wanted to go to sleep. But I still wanted to see whoever was here.

The doctor nodded and left the room. I settled back in my bed and let my eyes fall closed. I was so relieved. That had probably been one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. But now it was over, and I was okay. I felt like crap, but I would live.

The door to the room opened and Esposito walked in. He was smiling, and I gave him my pathetic attempt at a smile.

"Hey, boss."

I tried to sit myself up in the bed, and winced. "Hey."

"How are you doing?" He asked, grabbing a chair and pulling it over to the side of my bed. I could tell that he had spent all night at the hospital, and I was suddenly happy that I had people who cared enough about me to do that.

"I've been better." I smiled slightly.

He nodded, and his eyes strayed around the room. When he focused on me again, he spoke. "We're not letting you do anything like that again."

I scowled. What was he, my mother?

"I don't think that's up to you." I said, trying to sound like more normal self and failing miserably. Esposito grinned.

"You think I'm worried? Man, you should see Castle." He shook his head. Then he stood up. "I should get going. The others want to see you. Feel better, Beckett."

"Thanks." I said, watching him leave the room.

I had to work hard to not fall asleep. It was probably some stupid drug the doctor gave me to put me to sleep. I found a television remote lying near the bed and turned the TV on. Maybe some noise would keep me awake.

There was a soft knock on the door, and then Ryan entered. He took a seat in the chair that Esposito had vacated. He looked at me with concern.

"It just wasn't your night, was it?" He asked, smiling slightly.

I smiled back. "Definitely not."

"You feeling okay?" He asked, his eyes wandering to the many machines that were beeping and buzzing and making a bunch of different noises.

"Just like I've been shot." I said. I had to work hard to suppress a yawn, and I still didn't succeed.

"You look tired." Ryan said, standing up. "I'll get out of here so Castle can see you and then you can get some sleep."

I nodded, and then winced because nodding hurt. "See you later, Ryan."

He waved and then left, letting the door fall shut behind him. I tried to move my arm and felt a tube that was attached to me pull. I glared at it, too tired and in pain to do anything else. My eyes scanned over the other tubes and things that were attached to my arm. This was going to get really annoying, really quickly.

I didn't realize anyone else was in the room until I heard them say, "Hey, Beckett."

I looked over to see Castle standing there, smirking at me. I couldn't help but let a faint smile grace my lips too. "Castle."

He walked towards me and took a seat in the chair that my other two visitors had sat in. "Quite a night it's been…," He shook his head, still smiling. "How do you feel?"

I didn't even have to think before I responded. "Like I've been run over by a bus."

"Ah." He nodded.

As I watched him I realized that he didn't know what else to say, which was quite unusual for Castle. So I decided to speak.

"I really thought that it was the end there for a second." I began to cough, and then I grimaced. It felt like someone was pounding on my chest. Ouch. I saw Castle's hands twitch and wondered if he maybe felt the need to do something for me. If that was true, then it was sweet. I continued speaking, my voice quieter now. "You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying?"

He nodded.

"It's true." I shut my eyes for a moment. I was so tired. I felt like I was ready to pass out at any second. But I still continued, determined to finish my conversation. "And you know what?"

"What?"

"My life sucks."

I watched the shock and then worry each flicker across his expression. And then I smiled. Even in pain and dead tired, I could crack a joke. Castle saw my expression and he laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Kate Beckett, the hospital comedian."

"Mhm." I mumbled. My eyes fell shut again, and I was too tired to try and force them back open.

"Yeah well, Miss Hilarity, I suggest you get some rest."

I felt him stand up, and then I felt something gentle touch my forehead. I slowly realized that he had kissed it.

"And get better soon. It's no fun solving cases without my muse."

I frowned. If I hadn't been in the predicament that I was in, I would have hurt him. I was not his muse, damn it! "Don't call me your muse!" I growled, and then smiled. At least some things didn't change.

I heard his laugh, and then the door shut as he left. I sighed and allowed myself to drift into a peaceful sleep. After all, it had been a very long night.

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A/N: I made up Beckett's age. I really have no idea how old she is haha. Thanks for reading and please review!


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